How often have you come across a toy that makes you shake your head and begin to cry? Oh, trust me, I have. There are many toys out there that have no business existing at all. Toys that will most certainly make you want to whimper and hide under a desk, or under 6 feet of dirt, just to avoid having to see them again. I know, I know. I wouldn’t have believed it myself, but I recently came into possession of a very disturbing action figure, and so I went off in search of any toys that could scare me, so that you wouldn’t have to. I will save the action figure that began my quest for last, so let me begin with something a tad bit more Orthodox.

Allow me to introduce you to the God-Jesus robot. Now, I can’t claim to know a lot about this toy, but I do know that it’s from Japan. I decided to begin the list with this, because it was decidedly less “Scar me for life-ish” then pretty much anything else I found. I see that the God-Jesus robot on top of the box has a cross, while the God-Jesus robot on the box is carrying flowers, so I assume they lied about what was in the box, and will soon be sued for false advertising. There also appears to be a Japanese boy praying, perhaps to procure a robot. But in the next frame someone, presumably God, shouts “NO!” at him. He should probably thank God for not allowing him to purchase this toy. If you ask me, its red eyes are the work of the Devil!

Oh my god! Claw my eyes out!! Please, make it quick. What is this thing? Does it make you want to cry? It makes me want to cry. A quick analysis of this doll will reveal that it is obviously from Russia. Not because of the Russian typing mind you, but because of the male genitalia on the female doll. The doll on the left has shorter hair, so maybe, maybe, they were going for male doll that, while still disturbing, is not quite as disturbing as a lady. But the doll on the right is clearly female, so plan on not sleeping tonight. Unless you can somehow convince yourself that it’s a tumor, but good luck on that.

I’ve recently realized something. If I’m going to lead to the downfall of society, why not do it in style? How “bout with some bling? You know what”ll really set me apart? Having a half black, half yellow jacket. Ooh, ooh, I bet I could make a profit off of this!! So goes the thoughts of Snoop Doggy Dog. I see that he’s going with the star sunglasses, very fashionable, and functional. The thing that I find most amusing about this action figure is that is marketed as Vital Toys. Feel free to jump off a cliff.

Okay, you know what. This one shouldn’t even be on this list. I know, I know, it’s a scary toy. But you know what else? A unicorn is stabbing a mime. Tell me where else you can get that kind of awesomeness justice pie? And plus, it has four different magical horns for each of your stabbing needs. You have three people to stab, mime, hippie girl, and business man. One for every occasion! I’m so excited about this. I’ll probably buy one. You have to wonder why there is one superfluous horn though. Perhaps if one gets lost inside a victim. Oh my goodness, I’m so giddy.

Can’t figure out why this one is scary? Well, how about the fact that it teaches children that mindlessly stalking celebrities with a camera is a good idea? Hell, this thing will probably end up teaching kids that running over people is a good idea, because that’s what your going to do to these eventually. I imagine it would go something like this.

“Now honey, you know I love your little action figure things. But they are beginning to get on daddy/mommy’s nerves. So I’m going to teach you what we do to things that get on peoples nerves” You won’t even be thinking about what you’re saying. In blind fury you will crush them with your SUV and proceed to throw them in the garbage disposal.

“And that’s what we do to annoying things, any questions?” You say grinning maniacally.

“No, I’m going to go upstairs now, can I take this knife with me?”

“What? Yeah sure, whatever. Just be quiet, Survivor’s on.”

Are you serious? I can make my own Communist? Oh my goodness. My dreams have come true. Except that I wanted to be able to make my own Supermodel in my dreams… so I guess they haven’t really come true. But it’s worth noting that you can make the communist as sexy as you want. Castro? Meeeoow.

Just one word comes to mind when I see the Super Grover Action Figure. Pedophile. His long overcoat says “I have something to hide, but I think you should see it”. And the glasses scream, “Don’t look at my face, what you want is below the belt”. The hat echoes this same sentiment. I realize that Grover is supposed to be a Super Hero, but come one. This “action figure” isn’t going to help people out in any way shape or form. If anything, children will think that people dressed in trench coats hanging out around telephone booths should be run to in case of emergency. And I think we all know those people aren’t going to be Super Man.

There are many reasons why this toy is disturbing. The fact that they filed it under toy is one concern. Let me set the record straight first though. This is a fake detector camera. But like I said, it is considered a toy. I can see a lot of good uses for this. Put it in your kids room and tell them that god is always watching. Or stick it in your car, when someone barrows it, I guarantee they’ll freak. But if you put this in the hands of a kid, I can only imagine. Lets say your teenager gets a hold of this. He puts it in the bathroom at school. His friends report a camera in the bathroom. They take pictures as proof, head down to the office, complain about it. The principal comes back to the bathroom, looks in, but no camera. What now? Oh, nothing except for the fact that you kid is suing the school. What’s that? You’re afraid? So am I, but only because god is watching me right now… from the camera… *whimper*…

And finally, the toy that started it all….

I was at my local supermarket, when I decided that I was in need of some cereal. No big deal, I’ll just head on down to the aisle. “What do I want” I think to myself, “Ooh, know, I’ll get some Lucky Charms, that’ll be delicious. So I put them in my cart and am on my way. I get home. Put them in my cupboard, and forget about them. The next morning, I awake and head towards my cupboard. I open the cereal box, and open the bag. I grab myself a bowel, and commence pouring the cereal into the bowel. I hear a *clank* as something falls into the bowel. I pick it up, and find this thing staring back at me.

What the…? What’s this? I grab the box, look on the back and find that this is a special edition box of cereal. It is advertising The Dark Knight. I was slightly happy, like “Yay, The Dark Knight is coming out soon” happy. But I was also “Wow, this is the Joker who is a murderous psychopath, in a box of lucky charms” worried. It turns out that he has kung-fu kick action, which is why his leg is slightly up. I don’t know why his hands are on his head, but I believe he is attempting to crush himself out of existence. I don’t know who came up with this toy, but it is a very creepy piece of movie paraphernalia. I’ve seen the commercial, in the movie, he walks down the street firing a machine gun at anyone and everything. Close examination reveals that he even has the scars on either side of his mouth that show where he was cut. Now before you write this off as not too bad, let me remind you really quick, this is a psychopath serial killer, who is the villain in what is most likely one of the most violent comic book movies ever, in a cereal box. Cereal that your kids eat. Be afraid. Very afraid.

So, to sums things up. The world is a weird place. There’s always gonna be things that will make you want to vomit. You may wish that these things weren’t toys, but that’s your problem. I leave you with one more toy, one that you can cuddle up with in bed. Have fun.