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Seven Things I Never Knew About French Kissing
Things I learned about French kissing.
I come from a very strict religious community. This community frowns on worldly pursuits such as getting laid and focuses on the more eternal goals, like killing Ragnaros. This community I come from is called by many names, but is easily identified by the racist slang, “The Geeks”.
As an upstanding member of the Geek community, I never really had the opportunity to kiss anyone remotely attractive, and simply accepted the possibility that I may spend the rest of my life ogling females and considering suicide.
That was until a few nights ago. A party hosted by a heathen non-geek was in the neighborhood, and since I had done homework for the host, I was invited. It was kind of strange to go a party that was not centered around destroying evil, but actually participating in it.
Anyway, to get on with the anticipated list of seven things I never knew about French Kissing…
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Foreplay is Awesome, Even for a Guy
I spent around three hours talking and slow-dancing with an amazing woman. The 30-second-rule about men is not completely true. I can imagine how badly it would have gone if I had come on too fast, but the way it was, I was actually going too slow for her, so she was actually jumping MY bones. A better complement cannot be asked for.
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Women are Not Made of Steel, Stone, or Plastic
This is a little hard to explain to someone who has not been pressed up against a living, female body. Women are just as bony, squishy, and sweaty as men are. For someone who has spent their entire life seeing women on computer screens or magazine pictures, that person cannot properly imagine what a real woman is like.
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Women are Short
Really short. They are like little Halflings. Or cute dwarfs. Really, I had no idea what to do with someone who was that close to the floor all the time. When you are slow dancing with a short person, it can be a little awkward. The really only good place to put her head while you are dancing is to rest it against your chest, because there is no way on earth that you can put it on your shoulder, even if you squat down.
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A Muscular Chest Goes an Incredibly Long Way
No, pecs are not only for wrestlers, gays, and gay wrestlers. Pecs are not so you can look nice in a tight shirt. I never knew this before, but when a woman rests her head on your chest, you will know with an unshakable knowledge what pecs are for. And you will be unbelievably glad you went to that really gay gym. You will either thank God or become very religious when this happens.
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Women’s Noses Are a Lot Longer Than They Look
When you feel something with your face, you get a lot more information in your brain than you would just by looking at it. So when you put your face up against the face of another person, you can learn things that nobody else could know unless they did it, too. And one of those things, is your dancing partner’s nose is actually pressing up against your cheekbone. And on a side note, when you are this close to someone, you can sync with their breathing. This sensation can only be described as gorgeous.
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Kisses Are Not the Sloppy, Grandmother Things You Hated as a Child
The mouth is the most sensitive place on your body. This is why children always put everything in their mouths when they want to learn about it. There is a massive, massive array of nerve endings in and around your mouth. Placing your lips on another pair of lips is a very nice feeling. But, OH MAN! The TONGUE! There is so much information being poured into your brain when you French kiss that you will either experience a cardiac arrest, or permanently and instantly lose 25 IQ points. You will feel every taste bud, every pore of that woman’s mouth. And, OH MAN, she’s moving her tongue! She’s moving the…
I think that the…
Oh please, just let…
Uh, whoa.
That was really something else. Did I just black out there?
Wow.
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You Will Never Be Able to Concentrate on Anything, Ever Again
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63 Comments
sweet
“women are not made of plastic”
OMG !!! nooooo!!
Keep them coming.
Thanks for the heads up, I (hopefully) will need this some day
Thank you so much for this article it is utterly fantastic
I’m a geek girl currently awakening a geek guy to all of this, and your article throws into sharp relief the reality of it all. and here is my converse to number three: Men are tall. That kind of freaked me out at first.
Also, the not made of plastic thing is important. Its nice to know just how human we all are, is it not?
Arraine, thank you for your feedback, I’m glad I hit a few nerves in the right places. Really, it just all flowed from my heart.
Marcelle and haresh, you both crack me up, but in a warm and fuzzy way. Thanks.
Taking into account that this is my first submission to Purple Slinky, I am pleasantly surprised to see this article on the front page!
Awwww. Geeks are so cute!
I dated one. But he had no social skills. Poor thing. Like a deer in the headlights.
Excellent stuff, made me lol (no cats involved).
That was awesome! Brought memories of my first kiss back…
You have prematurely ended your story when your readers are just starting to enjoy your article. Please go on, you still have enough space on page one.
^^agreed with Leo
funny stuff man, but as a ‘former’ geek myself I know there’s a lot more to add to that list lol
Nicely written!
I, too, come from this clan of which you speak, the Geeks.
This isn’t too bad, I’ll try to remember it
I think that you stopped it at exactly the right place.
very nice stuff….
Great write-up. Just wanted to say thanks for your contribution. It’s so rare to see a positive portrayal of sexuality from a male perspective. Thanks for showing at least a few women that we’re not all frat-boy, Maxim reading thugs.
Aww… kissing is definitely a good thing
Loved it! What a great descriptive way to put it. Lucky girl…I’m jealous! :p
Ahahahahahhahahahahahaha! Thanks for the laugh! I have married one of your kind. In fact, we have even spawned which is concrete evidence that geeks can do more than french kiss. Good luck and keep up the good work!
Excellent! Brought back memories of the good ol’ High School days.
But #7 is soooo true. At the risk of sounding vulgar…Once you pop, you can’t stop.
Geek are the best. I should know–I’ve been one all my life and dated several. Geek dudes make the best lovers, and the best friends. There’s nothing quite like making out after a few victorious rounds of Halo.
There just has to be a part 2. This is great!
I always considered myself quite the geek, but I guess I honestly got too much play for someone on the speech team. I felt like that about 15 yeas ago, when I was 12. Another note, I didn’t blog all gay about it either. Peeps had different blogs back then; journals and diaries. They…were also as gay as blogging about a tongue in your mouth. I’m still a geek, but damn, maybe I’m king geek.
Oh yes! this is very valuable information. thanks for the warnings
I AM TALL! yes most women are short but not all….. sheeeesh… unless you are 7 ft? Are you?? cuz that woudl be Awesome.
sometimes,women looks like mysterious too. but i love them so much. like i love to my mom
Your article really made me laugh. If you think noses are awkward, though, you ought to try kissing someone when you’re both wearing glasses! It makes you realise why contact lenses were invented!
omfg how sweet. welcome to the circle of ‘Geeks who have been kissed!’ I’m happy for you man. now get over it. It will happen again.
Are you serious? That’s so cute. :]
something’s lacking, your article didn’t end up nicely. bitin as we say in tagalog.
This is a cool article. Really funny!
This was entertaining make more.
I love this :] your so funny, I havn’t laughed that much in ages, your very talented, you should write books for men aha
I’ve been a Geek girl myself for a very very long time. I am very much in love with my Geek husband, and I am raising a little geekling too.
This article was so sweet. Thanks Julliette for sending it to me, and thanks kidd for writing it.
Lol.. totally loved this. Still remembering my first kiss with my “geek” husband. While the first time wasn’t great, practice made perfect… A totally cute article. Loved it.
This was a really sweet article. I liked it alot. Makes you think about the little stuff in life that you should enjoy more often.
aww this is so sad
Geeks are the horniest creatures on earth. Good article.
This may be the gayest thing ive ever read on the inter-web.
Tippin’ me hat to you, mate. Now. Go back to the non-heathen world and spread heatheanity. Why do you think God gave us the ability to feel those awesome sensations if not TO feel them.
Now work on tying those feelings to the emotion of love, and your life’s work is complete.
Truly enjoyed reading this, very well expressed, and good of you to share it with the masses. Stay well.
Thank God! it’s such a relieve to know that men do experience such things as feelings, not just a twinge in the nether region,now go enjoy the rest , you think thats was great follow the the finish believe me that will blow your mind.
I thoroughly enjoyed your piece. It took me through a range of emotions and I personally believe that makes for GREAT work! Just registered to freelance and wanted to take a look at what was being published. You have completely inspired me. I am a fan!!
I love it. As a published Author, I could see this being a bestseller. Seriously!
Awesome article man. I knew how you felt before you went to that party. JUst not how you felt after…
Perfectly said – it is what all of us have felt possibly during our first kiss and maybe our 53rd kiss.
That was a joy to read.
People underestimate the power of kissing. Before I got my first one I never knew what to expect or what to do. It’s something you have to experience for yourself.
I wish I had the chance to rest my head on a man’s chest. I’m on the tall side of the spectrum so I do hit shoulder level
So Cute
but not all females are short. i’m like 5′10″ and only short and wouldn’t height as well as nose length depends on gentics and racial background
Ha! I loved this. Very well written – cheers mate!
I really liked the article and found it entertaining. It gave me a pleasant chuckle or two. Perhaps you could do another one concerning how french kissing changed you.
This is funny stuff because I can remember thinking almost all of it at one time or another especially the part that women are not plastic steel or wood or whatever that was. I actually used to think women’s breasts had bones in them much like a skull.. Boy, was i ever pleasantly surprised when I found out they don’t have bones in them.
The other funny part was the google ad at the bottom was for dental services..
You remind me a little bit of myself in terms of our approach to french kissing. I, however, have since moved up to more advanced romantic interaction:
http://decentcommunity.org/2008/05/15/making-love-with-the-help-of-gigantic-vats-of-grease/
Wow. You guys ARE geeks. Well, the world needs geeks too. Keeps the population down. Now get back to programming the next monster OS.
haha, wow, i thought this article was brilliant, and funny
and interesting, coming from the perspective of a geek D:
i for one, am a nerd, a very cool nerd though.. ive had girlfriends for a while o.o
Definitely a piece for the very young and inexperienced. Having said that, I am reminded of the first time I F.K’d. I think I was about 15 years old. My reaction was total and complete disgust! Funny how much we learn as we get older.
LMAO!! This was hilarious! I remember being about 13…keep these coming, young man. I see you going far.
Geeks are the best lovers. I would know, because mine is one. :]
Loved this! Made LOL with knobs on! ; )
u were really entertaining!great idea
I know geeks are absolutely the best. You know that number one thing? Foreplay? Yeah, it\\\’s best with geeks. As a geek lover, I know that talking, cuddling, and kissing are absolutely awesome with members of your society!
As a geek girl, It is nice to see what goes thru a geek guys head. I never understood this until I met my fiance a few years ago.
Message to other geek guys: Your time is now! Many women are looking at the intelligent subculture of geekdom and liking it. All you need is a smidge of confidence. Just enough to start a conversation and roll with the punches if it goes bad. Take a theater class or choir. Do whatever it takes for you to walk over to us and say hi. We’re waiting for you.
That brought back long forgotten memories.
omg. i absolutely love this!
the part about how woman are like cute dwarfs is strangely true and very hilarious.
ahhh! love it.
and it definitely reminded me of a lot of things, gotta love those reminiscent moments.
You wait until you meet the Gene Simmons of women and you get her tongue thrust half way down your throat….lol…yeah, funny stuff!
If that wasn’t intense…I’m not sure what it is
soooooooooo cooooool!!!!!it brought me back to yesteryears
Very, real and funny. I am sure non geeks alike will learn something from this too!