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The 10 Best Kitchen Implements For Fighting Off a Ninja

Published by Aaron Hanlon in Offbeat
March 9th, 2008

These utensils are imperative to use to defend yourself from the spontaneous attack of a ninja in your kitchen.

  1. The Spatula

    The spatula is a cunning weapon. It gives extra reach and allows you to slap the Ninja repeatedly in the face. Ninja’s have an aversion to being slapped. It offends their sense of masculinity and may help to undermine their confidence.

    Warning: It may also help to aggravate them. Expect an increase in the ferocity of their attack. So duck and slap and duck again really fast.

  2. The Chopping Board

    The wooden chopping board is invaluable when defending your self from a Ninja attack. Ninja have a propensity for using throwing stars, nasty if they hit you. But the wooden chopping board, when used as a shield will quickly mop up his supply.

    Warning: Do not discard your chopping board too quickly. Ninja are known for being sneaky individuals. He may yet have a star or two hidden up his sleeve. Be Patient.

  3. The Mop

    The Mop is an excellent weapon for dealing with attacking Ninja’s. Holding the shaft firmly in your hand wave the mopping end vigorously in the Ninja’s face. As Ninja’s are Japanese, their oldest enemies are the Chinese and the Chinese warriors carried spears with tassels placed just below the stabbing end. Somewhere deep in his subconscious the Ninja will believe he is fighting a truly worthy warrior and may just give up and go home.

    Warning: The Ninja just might be able to hold onto the idea that you are not in fact a Chinese warrior but are in fact just a man with a mop. Still the mop will come in handy after the fight for cleaning up the blood.

  4. Plates

    Plates are handy for a fight in a kitchen because there tend to be lots of them around. Throw the plates at the Ninja in quick procession. Not only may you hit him with them but the plates will break when they hit the floor and due to a Ninja’s inadequate foot ware there is a good chance he will get splinters in his feet. (ouch)

    Warning: Ninja’s are trained to dodge throwing stars so your chances of actually hitting him are pretty poor. And don’t use your best china.

  5. Knives

    There are plenty of knives to choose from in the average kitchen. But don’t go for the stylish little steak knives. Go for the cleavers, (in this situation bigger is better) bread knives are also good too but it can be a bit difficult getting your Ninja to keep still long enough for you to saw through his arm.

    Warning: Ninja’s are trained swords men and no matter how big your knife you can be sure he will have a bigger one.

  6. Forks

    Okay we are clutching at straws here. The Fork is not a great attack weapon but it can be good as a defensive weapon. When the Ninja attacks with his sword try and catch the blade between the forks prongs then twist the handle of the fork sharply. If your Ninja has bought his sword at a discount store it may snap.

    Warning: catching a blade that is coming at your rather quickly between the prongs of as fork may take a bit of practise and you only have so many limbs spare to get it right.

  7. The Frying Pan

    We are back on a more solid footing here. The Frying pan is both a good attacking weapon as well as a defensive one. It can block most weapons at the Ninja’s disposal and it makes a great noise when you hit someone in the head with it. Block, strike and block again, marvellous.

    Warning: In order to attack with a frying pan you really do have to get very close to the Ninja. Getting close to an attacking Ninja is not really a great idea as they have many small sharp objects that they just love to stick into people that invade their personal space.

  8. The Cooker

    A gas cooker is best used in this attack. First you have to get the cooker on. So while dodging and ducking first turn on the gas, then light it. Do not try to do both of these things at the same time. Ninja’s are quick, you might be surprised just how quick and you will need both your arms for the next bit. Then while distracting the Ninja with some cleaver finger puppetry guide him to the cooker and trick him into putting his arm, or even better his head into the flames (going for the head should only be attempted by true experts).

    Warning: Not all Ninja’s are enthralled by finger puppetry and if your first attempts at it don’t impress him move on quickly, don’t keep trying it, this will only bore the Ninja and he will quickly remember why he is there.

  9. Salt and Pepper

    We are now down to chemical warfare. It may be banned by the UN but you may not time to read the fine print in the rules of war documentation supplied to warring factions to worry about this. Salt is for the eyes (his, not yours) and the pepper is for the nose. The salt will quickly blind your Ninja attacker and the pepper will wreak havoc with his breathing. Don’t spend too much time trying to apply these chemicals with precision. A broad application to the general face area will suffice.

    Warning: Ninja’s ware face masks, so the pepper may not quite hit the mark. And if you miss with the salt you probably won’t get another chance.

  10. Cooking oil

    This works best if you have stone tiles laid in your kitchen. If you don’t do not under any circumstances try any lay them while under attack, it’s a messy and time consuming task. Apply the oil vigorously to the floor and then run away. The Ninja will come after you as surely as a dog will chase a ball and with any luck slip on the oil and hit his head upon you stone tiles.

    Warning: Ninja’s are very good jumpers and may jump over the oil. If this happens and you have now left the kitchen you are in real trouble because this guide only deals with attacks in the kitchen and has no advice for you once you have left it. So only use oil if you are sure it will work. Perhaps you could check if your attacking Ninja has a bit of a limp and is less likely to be able to make the jump.

Liked it
  1. Maggot
    Posted March 9, 2008 at 8:54 am

    Very funny. There should be more stuff like this on the net. I mean good stuff like this.

  2. willie
    Posted April 7, 2008 at 1:37 pm

    very good I will keep it in mind the next time I’m attacked by a ninja, keep up the good work

  3. Serra
    Posted July 26, 2008 at 3:39 am

    IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN!!!! *rubs stumps and whimpers*

  4. Jesus
    Posted July 26, 2008 at 6:49 am

    Jesus supports self defense against my arch enemies-ninjas

  5. R J Evans
    Posted July 26, 2008 at 10:56 am

    I am consistently and constantly set upon by Ninjas in my kitchen. With this timely and sensible advice I will now be able to fend them off successfully. Many thanks for this invaluable information…


  6. PatrickTheWorthless
    Posted July 27, 2008 at 12:51 am

    Aaron, very funny!! as a practitioner of ninjutsu i must tell you, not all are japanese!! so that was your kitchen? ok, next time i will have to bring R J Evans’s Cat Ninjas!! and that spatula smack, that sucks!! quit giving away our secrets. this was very very funny. and with fun you have laughter!! keep up the good work, i will be looking for more of your work. and next time, try heating up the oil. hot oil is a drag and hot. not hot in a good way. thank you for the laugh!!!

  7. www.thezombiezodiac.com
    Posted July 27, 2008 at 12:53 pm

    So useful, thank you for this indispensible guide. Considering it is now ninja season and the little buggers are very hardy this year, this guide will get frequent use.

  8. NA Staffieri
    Posted July 27, 2008 at 8:10 pm

    I have a few ninja friends who have concurred! You must have dealt with these guys quite often!
    Great stuff.

  9. Jack Rodnessey
    Posted July 28, 2008 at 11:16 am

    Very interesting article! Hope to see more of this in the future.

  10. ninja man
    Posted July 29, 2008 at 11:03 am

    i am shocked. i being quite a handy ninja myself am not a fan of this article. not because it isnt funny but because it works!! i invaded some guys home one day and i threw my ninja stars at him which he blocked with a cutting board and hit me with a frying pan. while i was running away i glanced at his computer and this webpage was on it. you make me sick.

  11. Lost in Arizona
    Posted July 29, 2008 at 10:49 pm

    Oh God. I can’t stop laughing. I nearly fell out of my chair. This was a very clever article. Have to keep this artcile in mind the next time I get a sneak attack in the kitchen.

  12. Gale Barker
    Posted July 30, 2008 at 4:01 am

    A very informative article full of useful tips…. sorry, is that the comment I usually write for Gomestic articles?!!

    Don’t underestimate the power of the humble table fork. My friend’s seven-year old daughter accidentally stabbed her mother’s hand with a fork while they were having dinner.

    It damaged her ligament and she ended up needing surgery and was unable to drive for three months. So using a fork may be a clever tactic if your Ninja attacker usually drives to your house. It could cost him a fortune in cab fares!

  13. blah
    Posted July 31, 2008 at 11:55 am

    I think you meant clever finger puppetry, but it said cleaver, so I would like to know how you achieve cleaver finger puppetry. Sounds difficult and dangerous.

  14. Ronald Marbles
    Posted July 31, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    This should be on Triond’s front page forever. It is the first article that I read that really made me laugh. The comedy is up scale here and with each weapon you can’t help but imagine yourself fighting a Ninja with those kitchen utensils.

    PLEASE write more articles like this.

  15. Anne Lyken-Garner
    Posted August 1, 2008 at 6:12 am

    Great article and very witty too.

  16. Grammar Ninja
    Posted August 2, 2008 at 12:57 am

    You deleted a ninja’s comment? Really?

    Disappointing. Funny article, though.

  17. ione gonzales
    Posted August 2, 2008 at 10:48 am

    nice work! :)
    God bless! More power! :)

  18. CQ
    Posted August 2, 2008 at 8:05 pm

    first article that i have laughed out loud at in a while. maybe you’ll come up with some more guides since i seem to have this recurring samurai problem.

  19. desmonrock21
    Posted August 2, 2008 at 11:02 pm

    really funny. lol :)

  20. AntiQuest
    Posted August 4, 2008 at 4:49 pm

    I prefere a butcher’s steel for kitchen defence, as it also works against Zombies and Zombie Ninja.

  21. Trenton Barnes
    Posted August 8, 2008 at 12:55 am

    This was hilarious. Insanely funny, it made my day anyway. Keep writing, i look foward to reading more of your work.

  22. mfielding raguette
    Posted August 8, 2008 at 2:20 pm


  23. Aaron
    Posted August 16, 2008 at 8:51 am

    I’d just like to thank everyone for their kind comments. Another Ninja attack is comming soon, watch out for it and don’t forget, a Ninja isn’t just for christmass it’s for life, even if it’s only a short one.

  24. Kiki Stamatiou
    Posted August 16, 2008 at 12:20 pm

    I thouroughly enjoyed this story immensely. I like the suggestions of using cooking utensils such as forks and knives as weapons for one defending one’s self against a Ninja, in addition to using pots and pans. You have a beautiful sense of humor. This is the coolest story I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Thank you so much for sharing it.

    Take Care,

    Kiki Stamatiou (Joanna Maharis)

  25. Sean Michael Muir
    Posted August 16, 2008 at 2:51 pm

    What a great list. I will never look at my kitchen implements the same way again. Now I am properly prepared for ninja attack

  26. Lauren Axelrod
    Posted August 18, 2008 at 8:46 pm

    I love this. I have about 15 of each type of kitchen utensils since I had my restaurants, so I am prepared for battle. Most of the time, I just use them to whip. He he.

  27. Karen N
    Posted August 19, 2008 at 4:20 pm

    How funny!

  28. Jenny, the bloggess
    Posted August 19, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    The best defense against a ninja is another ninja. That’s why I keep one in the pantry.

  29. Ninja hattori
    Posted August 20, 2008 at 9:41 am

    not quite enough
    but i would surely fall in for the finger puppetry

  30. sopasecoyjugo
    Posted September 27, 2008 at 11:28 pm


  31. Posted May 8, 2010 at 6:48 am

    funny as :)

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