Pooping. The act of removing turds out the butt hole. No need for a complex scientific explanation there. Everyone poops, therefore knowing exactly how the process works comes, well, naturally. But do people ever really think about their poops, or even perhaps, other people’s poops? With an incredibly diverse world at this day and age, people are becoming aware of a whole spectrum of cultural values across the globe. Just as our world is incredibly diverse, so too is poop.

Poop comes in all shapes, sizes, smells, and colors. I think it is safe to compare poop to snowflakes: no two poops are alike. However, I think it would be a good idea to refrain from literally thinking of poop and snow as identical (I don’t want people making poo angels or having turd ball fights, not to mention eating eat). In order to exemplify what I am trying to say, I will outline a few types of poop, though realize that this is just a small representation of a much larger number.

First we have the average joe. No real explanation here. Average size, smell, muscle requirements, etc. These were always the best in college, since we were low on toilet paper, and not much wiping, if any at all, was required. 

Next, there is the psychotic sprayer. Somehow this poop leaves you wiping up your hips since it sprays at all angles. This one begins and ends in an instant…sorry magazine readers, all you could read was the cover. 

One poop that really makes me mad are the weak links. You know, the ones where you think you have a record long turd, only to look down with disappointment and realize that all the hard work you put into keeping it in one piece (you know, the slow stomach pushes and rhythmic breathing) failed because it split in half. This is quite possibly one of the biggest morale killers out there.

Moving on, the anus piss, derived from the psychotic sprayer family, literally makes one think that they can poop through a screen door. Be aware, farting when you have the anus piss poop is not a good idea! The worst part about these are that they burn, almost as if that liquid coming out you poop shoot is actually acid. 

The last one I will explain is one that I like to call the hypnotizer. You know, the kind that coils around and around the toilet, resembling a hypnotizing device. When one looks back once finished (we all do it) the poop literally induces a trance on the person…well, maybe its just the smell of it.

So there we are, a list of only a few types of poop. Needless to say, I left out about 1,258,874 types of poop. Heck, poops are even like species, thousands are yet to be identified, some are going extinct, and even more are being discovered each day. Maybe next time I’ll let you in on a few rare ones such as the Cheddar Cheese Crap, the Northern Light, and the Buffalo Soiler, among others.