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Padded toilet Seats

To paraphrase a line from the HBO series Weeds, it feels like I’m pooping on a mushroom. In my experience with these super cushiony cushions, it appears there is a rule: Once you reach retirement age, you are required to equip every toilet in your house with a padded toilet seat – and preferably make it the color of poop brown or powder blue.

Pre-Warmed Seats

But not just any warm seats. Chairs or couches that have been heated by the ass of some other person. It feels like a violation to my ass to be warmed by the heat of someone else’s ass. But I’m not completely self-centered on this issue. I feel slightly embarrassed having myself created a hot seat, knowing that someone else will soon sit there.

Cheap-ass Toilet Paper

Often popular with mother-in-laws. However, I suspect that if you take a look around you’ll see this particular low-end toilet paper is only in her guest bathrooms, not in the master suite. So “No thank you, Dollar Store”. I will not rub my ass raw with your product.

Slivers

It’s not good to get a sliver anywhere… but let’s face it. While you can get a sliver out of your own finger, getting a sliver out of your butt check requires some outside assistance. And if you don’t have a spouse or close family member near-by, that can be an odd one to work into conversation with a friend.