Things to Do When You’re Dead Part One

Published by in Offbeat
25th Feb 2017

So you’re dead, now what?

No body has really explained what to do when you’re dead. Yeah, they tell you either go to heaven or hell but if near death experience stories have taught me anything it’s that you’re not getting dragged any where. Some one shines an annoying light in your face. So what? Well, simple.

Rule One: Don’t look up.

It’s pretty easy, I’m surprised no one has thought of this. That white light is obviously a distraction to keep you from doing all the fun shit you could be doing while you’re dead. The possibilities are endless after this point. But if there is one thing for you to consider and remember beyond everything else in this Ultimate Guide To Being Dead it’s that looking up is the end of the road for you.

You might hear harps, or something. Just ignore it. It’s a trap. Chances are it’s not heaven you’re ending up in. Angels singing? Move on, queer bait. This shit just got real and you’re about to lose it all by getting conned by some over hyped Sirens. You want to get a pitch fork stuck up your ass? Okay, maybe some people are into that. But chances are you’re not going to like it. So stop looking at that light. It is not your friend. This guide is your friend.

Once you’re dead, and you’ve avoided the distracting light, the world is your oyster. I know, your first instinct is going to be figuring out what happened. Answer questions like “where am I?” “What about my family?” Look, you’re dead, and it’s time to move on in your life. Or… move on from your life. Whatever, you know what I mean.

Don’t dwell on how it happened, either. The biggest problem even the most successful dead deal with is hanging on to old memories. I mean, how many ghost themed TV shows have you seen where ghosts are all pissed about getting killed or something and waste their time being stuck in some shitty abandoned hospital? I’m sorry, but you’ve successfully avoided the white light and you’re going to waste the rest of your death dwelling in eternity about how shitty the nurses were at the hospital you died in after being diagnosed with TB? Just quit while you’re ahead, buddy. When you’re newly dead, don’t think. Just start walking away.

Tags: , ,