I’m taller than you. 

At 6’7”, I’m in the freak zone of the bell curve, taller than 99.7% of the population.

I’m also smarter and likely to earn more money.  “Tall people perform significantly better on cognitive tests,” according to a new Princeton University study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research.  And “on average, tall people earn more,” says the study. 

That makes me ten inches richer than Warren Buffet and five inches smarter than President Obama.  (I like to think I’m a whole foot smarter than George W.)

That also makes the Milwaukee Bucks smarter than the Supreme Court.  And I don’t even want to think about Yao Ming.

Being tall has lots of advantages.  Tall people almost always get to ride shotgun because back seats are made for short people.  We can see over a crowd, reach the top of cupboards, or screw in a light bulb.  And we can always tell who’s wearing a toupee. 

At six feet tall, America’s male CEO’s are a lofty three inches taller than the average man.  According to a study of the Fortune 500 companies, a third are over 6’ 2”, taller than 96% of the population.  Fewer than three percent are under 5’7”.

Tall people seem to catch a break in other ways.  Show pictures of two men standing next to each other and ask somebody which one is the plumber and which is the college professor.  Studies show the vast majority will pick the taller man to be the prof. 

Likewise, tell them one is an airline pilot and the other a stevedore, a similar majority will assume the pilot is the taller.

All this would make the average tall person pretty smug.  If we hadn’t just smacked our head on a low doorway.

Fact is, tall has its disadvantages, too.

We have to arrive early to the movies so no one can complain when we sit in front of them.  Clothes don’t fit.  We’re always in the back row in group photographs.  Spelunking is out of the question. 

In grade school, when there was a fire alarm, we all had to line up from shortest to tallest.  As if maybe tall people burn slower?

Avoid hotel beds with a foot rail.  And untuck the sheets so your feet can hang over.  Watch out for ceiling fans.  I have bumps on my head that would drive a phrenologist crazy.

Typical chairs, designed for the middle of the bell curve, force our backs into pretzel positions.  Can you imagine spending your adult life sitting in a chair designed for a kindergartner?  Pretty close to what we endure every day.  There are only a handful of cars that accommodate guys my size.  And don’t even get me started about airline seats.

Average size people are intimidated, or find us arrogant without reason.  We’re left out of conversations in noisy bars.  (The only way to hear is to bend over so our ear is at everyone else’s level.)

Perfect strangers seem to find pleasure in the absurdity.  As if the weather might actually be different up here?   The jokes are endless: “Fall down and you’re halfway home” or “There’s a full moon so watch your head.”

There’s always the temptation of the snappy retort.

Q: “Do you play basketball?”

A: “Yes, and do you play miniature golf?” 

or

Q: “How tall are you?”

A: “I’m six foot seven, ma’am.  How much do you weigh?”  

OK, probably not.  But does anyone else feel the way I do? 

I’m thinking maybe we can get the American Disabilities Act to include tall folks.  According to the ADA, we cannot discriminate against those who have some form of disability. 

Isn’t ‘Tall’ a disability? 

Clothing manufacturers would not be allowed to charge extra for Tall sizes.  Airplane exit rows would be reserved for those over 6’2”.  Car manufacturers would have to provide ample headroom for even the lankiest among us.  “Long drink of water” and “Stretch” would be un-PC, akin to “cripple.”

Indisputedly, Americans are getting taller.  And carmakers and clothing manufacturers will just have to deal with it.  The National Center for Health Statistics reports that the average height of American men ages 20 to 74 is 5’9½”, up from 5’8” in 1960.  Women average 5’5”, up nearly two inches since 1960.

So enough with the tall jokes.  And please, when you spot someone towering over you, try to refrain from asking how towering he or she might be.  Because sometime, just to mess with you, I might tell you, “I’m five foot 19.”

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Robert Grede is a best-selling author and public speaker.  www.TheGredeC