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Top 10 Infomercial Exercise Products That Double as Ninja Weapons
Ever wonder what a ninja arsenal made of Infomercial products would look like?
How many times have I sat through endless infomercials on T.V. and recognized that these items can have a plethora of utilities beyond the basics of their intended fitness usage. One day in a mindbending brainstorm, I was inspired to develop the Ultimate Ninja Arsenal out of only these infomercial products.
A ninja arsenal will require a good balance of Offensive and Defensive weapons. These should include means to accomplish amazing feats of maneuverability, escape, and camouflage. Get ready to begin your adventure in the art of the Infomercial Ninja!
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The Bodyblade
Slogan: Unleash the Power of Your Core!
Type: Offensive – Close Combat
Ninja Application: I have to admit, the shear ability of this product to inflict Ninja style damage on your foes is amazing. Imagine Unleashing the Power of a Repetitive beatdown by the simple flick of your wrist. Hit your opponent once and watch as the Bodyblade does all the work for you! Just imagine if you can master the Michael Dudikoff (aka American Ninja) style stance portrayed in this picture.
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The BodyBow
Slogan: Utilize Bow Technology to Shoot your way into Fitness!
Type: Offensive – Ranged Combat (Bonus – Restraints)
Ninja Application: Take caution of the person who carries this around, they have the ability to take you down from a good distance away. It might not appear like your average bow, but look carefully and you can see that in the hands of a true master you can shoot two red rods at enemies in opposite directions. It appears to also double as a way to bind down two captives. How can one deny an offensive and defensive weapon? Weighing only 4 pounds and easy to mount on ones back!
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Gliding Discs
Slogan: Glide into Fitness!
Type: Transportation – Mobility
Ninja Application: To practice the art of the silent step takes years to master. With gliding discs you can slide across any surface, vanquish your opponent and slide away. Imagine taking out multiple opponents Jason Statham style (Transporter – oil slick fight) while looking really cool doing it. According to the site, this thing actually works on carpets!
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Jump Snap
Slogan: The Ropeless Jump Rope!
Type: Offensive – Close Combat
Ninja Application: I’m sure by now you can see the benefits of a repeated beatdown with this swivel weapon. Add your desired sharp object attachment or a longer rope and you have a deadly midrange tool of destruction. Not only that, but you have a steady digital counter of the number of times you inflicted a rotationally induced punishment on a single individual. Add some LED’s to the end and you can look abnormally cool doing this, but that might greatly impede the original ninja function.
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Katami Bar
Type: Offensive – Close Combat (Bonus – High Fence Mobility)Ninja Application: What may seem like just a bent bar to the untrained eye is actually a weapon of maximum versatility. True ninja practitioners will be able to assault opponents from around corners without ever exposing oneself to the dangers of jumping out into the open. An added feature due to the high tensile strength developed by the folks at Katami, this can also act as a rudimentary pole vault, allowing access over bothersome security fences.
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Perfect Pushup
Type: Transport – Wall MobilityNinja Application: Normally we like to keep the application of these fitness weapons to their core function, but as you can see from the picture with some simple “Suction Cup” modifications you will be climbing walls in no time. Feel free to add the kids to your back as well, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
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Rep Band
Slogan: The ONE Band That Does It All!
Type: All!
Ninja Application: These bands actually come with dispensers that hold dozens of bands for multiple applications. Tie up unwanted opponents. Jump off the sides of buildings only to bungie yourself back into action. Have your own portable catapult to launch a variety of objects at an enemy compound. Use all the bands in your dispenser and you can launch yourself at any opponent! This ONE band truly does it ALL! And don’t forget about the dreaded locker-room style towl snap application. Owch…
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SlamMan
Type: Defensive – deterrent
Ninja Application: Typically ninja weapons need to be extremely versatile and lightweight for mobility. The slam man fails at those basic needs, but provides in one crucial area. Ninja’s must sleep and what better decoy for their home then the SlamMan Add your favorite black garb and Presto! A Ninja Decoy with “preprogrammed” alarm sensors that will alert you when the dummy gets its head cut off by unsuspecting invaders.
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The Bean
Slogan: The Bean Will Get You Lean!
Type: Transportation – Water Mobility
Ninja Application: To round out one’s arsenal, means of escape are always necessary. What better than a portable escape raft. Most exercise balls would be impossible to balance oneself on. But not The Bean! Lay back and relax as you float away into the night and ponder all the havoc you just wreaked on the local magistrate. Added Bonus: The Bean can be used as a rudimentary trampoline to allow access to walls that are just out of reach for your tiny Ninja Self.
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Urban Rebounding
Type: Transportation – Urban Mobility
Ninja Application: How can one deny the pure awesomeness of a device that appears to be a simple trampoline but is actually an “URBAN REBOUNDER”! What ninja doesn’t want to fly over their “Urban” environment with simple leaps and bounds brought to you by the rebounder? Imagine the ability to bring your crouching tiger arsenal of moves into a real world environment! Please be careful when landing.
Conclusion
There you have it ladies and gentlemen. Your introduction into the world of the “Infomercial Ninja”!!!! For those of you wondering why certain items are placed higher on the list. There is no reason, these weapons encompass a range of types. So the list instead represents a complete arsenal, everything is necessary.
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