Look in Terror at the tool of our Doom! by Victor Svensson via Flickr

The Iphone, and its poorer cousin the Ipod Touch, could very well herald the doom of mankind that the seers of old have foretold for millennia. Nostradamus, the bible and every crackpot that has smoked too much weed has pointed to this time of our lives as the end of the world. One only has to look around to see they are probably correct. We have endless wars, economic troubles, threats of pandemics, global warming, and then to top it all off a bunch of little ancient South Americans telling us that time runs out on December 21st of 2012. One can only be left to fall to their knees and cry to the heavens – holy crap!

I have however stumbled upon the real source of humanity’s demise, and it is none of the above. It is instead that all pervasive conquering empire called Apple, and their almighty magical king Steve Jobs. It is no secret that Apple desires to control the world. They have come from the very brink of extinction to be a major powerhouse in entertainment and computing. Their little gadgets are ubiquitous and almost universally desired. They have appealed to the basic instincts of human emotion being sex appeal. Their products are innately sexy and it is nearly impossible for a mere mortal to resist them. The feeble minded would consider this simply to be good marketing with a goal to maximising revenue for the shareholder. It takes a superior intellect to see past this veil of ignorance.

It has come to my attention that the true intentions of Apple are insidious beyond belief. Apple’s true purpose is to control every single person on this planet and reduce all innovation and creativity to be solely owned and patented by Apple Inc – and I have the proof.  It has been discovered that the Apple proprietary feature known as Genius bears a logo that is remarkably similar to that born by the American Atheists group. This explosive evidence was uncovered by Rob Beschizza and his treatment can be found here:

Genius vs Atheist

What does this mean? The Genius feature is supposedly a mechanism for Apple to search your music library and make suggestions about which other songs you might enjoy that you don’t currently own. This again is the soothing coos of a she-yeti, luring her prey into a false sense of security before sinking her fangs into the soft flesh of the neck to suck the very life essence from your foolish body. What this feature really does is search for everything about you. It will find all it can and submit it to a central data mining database in the giant secret underground Apple base located somewhere in the Antarctic. Additionally, at least in the initial days of the Iphone 3G you could not pay cash for the Iphone. You had to use a credit card. This was to gain even more information about you to add to this database, and to track your every movement upon the globe.

What is the purpose of this database and what does it have to do with atheists you might ask? The answer is plainly simple. In the near future Apple will have immense political influence. Steve Jobs, actually having sold his soul to the devil, will be the anti-Christ as foretold by the book of revelations. How else do you explain the remarkable comeback of Apple Inc; intelligence and clever marketing? That is plainly ridiculous. He will take political office and bend the law of the entire Earth to his will. He will make laws that make it illegal to not own an Ipod. Everyone will have sensors embedded in their brains – the marketing will tell you it is so that you no longer need headphones to use your Ipod – the reality will be so that Apple can record your thoughts. Apple will know every single thing about you and use this to its advantage.

Eeeekkkk! The Anti-Christ via Wikipedia

This might all seem to be the ramblings of a raving lunatic and if that lunatic wasn’t me I would be inclined to agree, however there is one more shocking revelation that you have yet to be told. In a previous article written by me, titled Civilisation is a Crapper I showed absolutely and categorically that the ascent of the human race is solely attributable to the humble toilet. The toilet serves as a sensory deprivation chamber which unlocks a hidden autistic potential within all our brains from which spews forth all the remarkable discoveries that have ever advanced our lot in this antagonistic and brutal existence we call life. This is critical because Apple also knows this, and Apple does not like this because they cannot control it – that is until now.

The Iphone is a remarkable piece of technology. In what other device could you make a call; send a SMS; watch a video; listen to some music; blast aliens; web surf for exotic materials of an erotic nature; train a monkey to pee in a toilet; and take a photo of your own arse and email it to a friend with the subject line of “kiss this” all while you are sitting on the toilet? There – that is it there – the toilet! You can do all of this while sitting on the toilet. With an Iphone or Ipod Touch you are no longer bored in the toilet and therefore the golden benefit of the sensory deprivation chamber has been violently eradicated. Apple has thus in one dastardly stroke prevented all further innovation by the human race – at least outside of Apple’s control.

The dog looks pretty evil – probably and Apple Hell Hound – via Wikipedia

Once Steve the Anti-Christ has full dictatorial control of the planet, he will use his atheist database to determine which people are likely to produce off-spring that will have minds suitable for innovation and invention. He will then hold these people to ransom and have them sign over their off-spring to become the property of Apple Inc. Apple will then raise these children in small enclosed toilets – like battery hens – milking them for all their fantastic thoughts and ideas, only to be developed and patented by the Apple Empire. Eventually every single human will be enslaved in a Mac-Matrix, suckling from the teat of the great Apple mother, all wearing the branding of a sexy fruit on our foreheads. It will be the total demise of humanity as we know it.

It might seem so completely insane that you cannot believe it – but it is so fantastically insane that it must be true. Indeed it is nearly inevitable. Does this mean however that I will now throw my Iphone away?  No it does not. Why? Simply because it is indeed the funnest Ipod ever.