1. Have you recently gone off “young people”?

a) Yes their tight, bright, shiny complexions and bland expressions really get on my nerves…

b) N0 – I went off them ages ago.

c) What do you mean? I AM a young person!

2. Is Joan Rivers or Tom Jones your role model?

a) Yes, they just look brilliant for their age, don’t they?

b) They’re OK, but it’s spooky how uncrinkled they are considering they must be at least 103 years old!

c) No, Kylie and Robbie are more up your street.

3. Do you believe your life would be so much more complete if a certain part of your body was bigger/smaller.

a) Most definitely – I reckon it’d improve big-time.

b) Maybe but, really, I’d do better sorting out the “inner me” first…

c) No, I’m happy the way I am.

4. Do you pore over the classified section in glossy mags?

a) Yes, and looking at those before and after pics on the cosmetic surgery ads has had me on the brink of phoning on occasion…

b) Yes, but I’m more interested in the ads for sexy underwear and rude phone lines than anything else.

c) No, I tend to skip that section.

5. Do you look in the mirror more often than you used to?

a) Yes – in fact, any reflective surface will do these days.

b) No, the same amount as ever.

c) No – you’ve every reason to look in the mirror less and less as time goes on.

6. When you pose for photos, do you hold your face and/or body in a particular way?

a) Yes, I hold my head up to hide the double chin, hold in my stomach, suck in my cheeks and/or pout a bit!

b) I tend to present my “good” side if I can, but that’s about as far as I go.

c) No, I prefer me looking natural in photos.

7. Has your/a lover ever criticised your body or suggested that you had a little nip and tuck here and there?

a) Yes and they’ve offered to pay for it too! (Which is nice.)

b) Not in so many words. But I often moan about my “bad” bits and they kind of agree.

c) They wouldn’t dare. (And anyway I’m perfect!)

8. Is cosmetic surgery…

a) A great advance in medicine?

b) Useful for those who need it?

c) Something for bored celebrities to spend their money on?

Scores – 3 for every a), 2 for every b) and 1 for every c).

CONCLUSIONS

Score of 19 – 24?

“GET THE SCALPELS SHARPENED, I”M COMING IN!”

If you’re not booked in to a clinic already, chances are you will be soon. You have a lot of complaints about your bod and face and are really feeling your age. OK, so year-wise you’re hardly the Queen Mother, but you’re just not as young as you used to be. And you don’t like it. You may have a wrinkle or stretch mark here or there, but chances are you’re more aware of it than anyone else is. If you’re under 60, please think carefully and get some counselling before taking the drastic step of having cosmetic surgery. If you’re over 60, however, or prematurely prune-like, go for it!

Score of 14 – 18?

“WHAT’S WRONG WITH A BIG NOSE ANYWAY? I KIND OF LIKE IT (AHEM)…”

Hmm… you’ve certainly thought about it, but you probably sway between thinking it’s a pretty cool idea to parpling on about how disgusting it is. One minute, you say that a big nose looks kind of distinguished, and the next you’re drooling over “before and after” pics in the classified columns. Whether you’ll actually go under the knife has yet to be seen, but you’d certainly never say never.

Score of 8 – 13?

“I REALLY CAN’T SEE THE POINT IN GETTING LIPOSUCTION WHEN THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE IN THE WORLD WHO DON’T EVEN HAVE LEGS!”

The fact that you’ve actually completed the quiz shows that you’re a teensy-weensy bit curious about cosmetic surgery, but you actually feel far too young (or gorgeous… or both!) to seriously consider being operated on. You might think about it if you had a part of you that you reckon is deformed, but even then you wouldn’t definitely do it. When you think about all the people in the world who really do have physical problems, you see the whole thing as rather pointless and vain. Sometimes you can get a bit evangelical about it too. But wait till your chin hits your chest and you don’t need suitcases when you go on holiday ‘coz your eye bags are so huge… because then, when that fateful day arrives, you could well change your tune.